Danny Boyle’s Bond

With the confirmation this week that Daniel Craig will be returning for at least one more Bond film and that Danny Boyle will be taking the reins, a few people have joked about how elements of the director’s other films may turn up in this one. It’s a reductive exercise that fails to recognise a film maker’s ability to work beyond narrow expectations but it also looked fun so I’ve had a go.

There’s a chance then (there’s no chance whatsoever) that this might be the plot of Bond 25. Let’s call it Trainspying, or 007 Hours, or how about Slumdog Debonair? (In reality my hunch is that it will just be titled Bond but we’ll see.)

The precredit sequence will see James Bond escorting the Queen to a helicopter before the two of them parachute out over North East London. The twist will be that her majesty will be shot by a sniper on the way down only for it to turn out to be a decoy in the shape of a big burly man in a dress that really shouldn’t have fooled anyone.

Plagued by guilt at being involved in a mission that lead to the inevitable death of a colleague (the decoy from the previous sequence) Bond has fallen into heroine addiction and it is only when he almost dies following a really bad trip that he pulls himself together. Mistrusted and not really ready for action Bond is nonetheless sent on a mission by M (played by Ewan McGregor) to retrieve a dangerous chemical nerve agent contained in two small pills. Finding these while scuba diving in Edinburgh’s most disgusting toilet our hero is then captured by a famous Indian quiz show host (played by Anil Kapoor) funded by a not quite evil but certainly very objectionable tech entrepreneur (played by Seth Rogan rather than Michael Fassbender because they are trying to persuade Fassbender to take the lead in a later instalment).

Bond is taken off to a secret lair housed in a secret solitary beach paradise in Thailand and while there is ordered to complete a task for the bad guys but refuses. After holding up to an interrogation consisting a series of fifteen multiple choice questions and refusing to give away any of his friends by phoning them, Bond is taken by Kapoor’s henchman to a ravine. There he is expected to die, his arm trapped under a rock. After five days Bond escapes by cutting his own hand off with the laser in his watch.

Heading back up to the beach lair he over hears a conversation between his two antagonists in which he learns that Kapoor is in fact a man he was once on a mission with. In flashback (Bond played by Cillian Murphy, Kapoor by Dev Patel) we see that the two of them had previously gone into space to reignite the Sun with a Nuclear bomb and that Bond had left his colleague there to burn for the sake of the job. Now after getting home and having major facial reconstruction surgery he is hell bent on revenge but his financier has encouraged him to use and discredit his old ally instead. Haunted by guilt again Bond shoots up one more time and is recaptured because drugs are bad kids.

Bond is hypnotised into acquiescing to the villains’ mission and is charged with retrieving a stolen suitcase full of money which he eventually finds in the flat of a sexy young female Doctor, an accountant and a journalist who have all killed each other over it. Unfortunately on returning the case to his oppressors it turns to be full of newspaper clippings. Enraged, the bad guys release the chemical agent Bond had found earlier turning London into a zombie wasteland.

Then the whole thing is fixed by two angels (played by Holly Hunter and Delroy Lindo). Bond marries Cameron Diaz, the bad guys die after getting glassed in a bar fight with Robert Carlyle and everyone walks into the sunset to the sound of a version of Underworld’s Born Slippy remixed by Moby.

End credits, James Bond will return to save the nation from maniac politicians in Never Say Brexit Again. Done.

There you go movie world, you can have that one for free. I won’t refuse the knighthood.

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