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It is hard to see any of Disney’s live action remakes as creative rather than commercial endeavours but this one seems the most artistically redundant of all.

I am fairly fascinated with the story of Pinocchio, mostly for its Coppélia/Pygmalion/Frankenstein connotations which I am hoping del Toro will lean into with his adaptation later in the year, but I’ve never been a big fan of the twee (Pleasure Island and monster Whales notwithstanding) 1940 cartoon. If I wished upon a star I’d just wish to be watching Fantasia instead, which came out in the same year but is miles apart in terms of tone, sophistication and innovation. Even aside of my own preferences though, I’m not sure this is one anyone wanted a new version of, at least not one with the exact same sensibilities as its predecessor, short of some clumsy references to modern Hollywood and Luke Evans oddly shouting ‘bollocks’ at one point.

If my uncomfortable concerns that this was made just to make money were briefly assuaged by it coming out on Disney+ rather than in cinemas, this was immediately reversed by what they’ve done with Gepetto’s workshop which now has one wall that actually looks like a section of the Disney Store, selling the company’s latest collection of character themed cuckoo clocks. Want a Toy Story time piece? No worries, get yours here! I’m sure you will be able to soon.

It is sad to think that this is Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis’ film reunion, seeing them come together again after Forrest Gump, Cast Away and The Polar Express because while I may have problems with some of those movies they all pushed boundaries and expectations to some extent. This is just inert.

There is some interest in seeing familiar scenes and characters rendered ‘real’ but even this doesn’t last and adhering so close to the original designs just makes some of them come across as weird. Jiminy Cricket looks like he is wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask and Pinocchio himself appears to be made of plastic. Keegan-Michael Key as Honest John the fox is trying so hard to be a cartoon character that they should have just left him as one. Speaking of which, they also still have that thing where some of the animals are anthropomorphic and some not, like with Goofy and Pluto both being dogs. This time it is cats and those kids that turn into donkeys (something that remains totally unexplained) shouldn’t have worried so much as half of them would probably have retained the ability to talk and move like a human in this world.

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They have changed the end too for reasons that can only be because they might one day want to make a sequel and cash in on this even more.

This new Pinocchio has no sense of magic or wonder, it has the the logic, characterisation and sophisticated storytelling of an episode of Dora the Explorer and despite its apparent intention to the contrary is actually a total waste of money. I didn’t hate it but that’s because it didn’t generate any emotional response in me at all.

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The Ripley Factor:

Cynthia Erivo cameos as The Blue Fairy (with what I can only describe as octopus wings) but the strongest female characters in the film are a technically inanimate marionette and a goldfish.

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